sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize