Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
