My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
