wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
