I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
