I have demons in me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize