WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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