So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
