life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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