My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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