She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
