I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
