he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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