apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
