'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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