I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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