Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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