Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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