I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
