Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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