WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He is an equal opportunity slut.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The ass gains better be worth it
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