1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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