Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
