I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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