Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
