i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
