You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
