my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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