I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I touched a dick in church today
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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