The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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