I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
