Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
