I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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