I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
