Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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