I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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