Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
