What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize