well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I will be naked everywhere
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
