new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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