i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
