i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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