does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Randomize
