Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
