Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
