There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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