Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize