M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
