I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
