there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
