i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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