My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
