8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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