get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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