Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
