the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
