I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
high people should be assigned attendants
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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