Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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