I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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