mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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