I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize