I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
